After my 6 week writing 'hiatus', I'm back! I apologize for the long absence, especially to all of you who read my blog as religiously as the Bible. I hate that I've kept you waiting. I'm sure you'd understand though. In between working full time and taking care of my one-year-old son, you'd likely find me in the bathroom hugging the porcelain God. I'm not sure if my last post was a premonition, but guess what?? Yup, pregnant again!
When I wrote my last post, I wasn't anticipating getting pregnant so quickly. Who the hell would have guessed that it would take one time of 'doing the deed' to conceive? If you've been a follower of my blog, you'll remember my history of standing on my head to get pregnant with my first. This pregnancy really came as a shock... a pleasant shock... but a shock nonetheless. When my very-regularly-scheduled monthly visitor didn't appear, I was a bit concerned. I waited an entire day to take a pregnancy test and nearly fainted when I saw TWO pink lines. How could this be so easy? And.. how could this be so cheap?? (I had spent nearly $200 on pregnancy tests when trying the first time around.) Had I realized we'd get pregnant so easily and quickly, I probably would have made a much more concerted effort to really savor the sex!
I'm officially 9 weeks pregnant and this pregnancy couldn't be any more different than it was with Gabe. For starters, I've been hit hard with morning sickness. (Which by the way is a really ridiculous name for things considering I am sick morning, noon, and night. I think I'll stick to the official name of 'nausea gravidarum'. That sounds more serious, anyway!) This has been a difficult aspect to manage between work and caring for a toddler. While I would have preferred to wait to tell my managers and colleagues, I couldn't justify running away from my patients in mid-sentence. My husband knew I must be really sick when I started popping Zofran like it was candy. This coming from a girl who could be on her deathbed before agreeing to take a Tylenol.
The other aspect of this pregnancy that has been much different (and personally, much more alarming) is my absolute lack of attachment to this pregnancy. This isn't to say that I wouldn't be devastated if, God forbid, something happened and I lost my child. However, I am having a much more difficult time feeling as though this pregnancy is real. The moment I found out that I was pregnant with Gabe I immediately felt a new life growing inside of me. Not physically, of course. Emotionally, however, I felt as though I carried a special secret around with me. It didn't matter what went wrong in the world because I had a human being growing inside of me. I would often talk to him and sing him songs while in my tummy. I am having a much more difficult time wrapping my mind around things this time around. While I do realize how much more occupied I am now as compared to the first time around, I somehow feel as though I'm not being as good of a parent... already!! I thought that feeling only came once the baby was born. When pregnant with Gabe I never, ever missed a prenatal vitamin. This time around, I'm lucky if I remember to eat breakfast. When pregnant with Gabe I carefully examined every food label, had someone else pump my gas, and I slept, and slept, and slept. This time around I eat whatever sounds appealing (including feta cheese!) and I hope for the best.
I keep telling myself that this is normal... and I secretly pray that my new miracle and I are able to find some bonding time soon.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Now that I have 'Thing 1'... when is it time to have 'Thing 2'?
The title of this blog is a Dr. Seuss reference, for all of the non-readers in the group.
I must start this post by stating that this whole 'work' thing is a real hindrance to my creative side! While I am enjoying the paycheck and it's certainly wonderful to feel like 'me' again, I find that working so many hours seems to suck the creative life right out of me. By the time that I leave work, stop at the grocery store, make dinner, help with bath, breastfeed, and tend to my husband and babe, I'm looking at the clock and thinking, "Where did the day go?" I'm lucky if I check my e-mail some days.
So what do I do with ALL my leftover time, you ask? I start thinking about whether or not it's time to try for 'Thing 2'. I know, it's a little ridiculous. One interesting fact about me: The more I have on my plate, the hungrier I get. I thrive under pressure.
I've been thinking about this age-spacing thing for a while now. For the first 10 months of Gabe's life I swore up and down that he would be an only child. The responses were typical, "Oh honey, you'll forget how hard this is." I would stand as firm as a soldier and state, "NO! I will NOT forget what this is like. I'm exhausted. No one told how much being a mother sucks!" The tears that usually followed that statement often made whomever I was talking to actually agree that one child was probably all I could handle.
Well, Gabe just turned 1 and guess what? I haven't forgotten how difficult it was, but the memory IS slowly fading. While my little guy is still not sleeping through the night, he's made enough improvement for me to reinstate his previously lost 'sibling privileges'.
You'd think that I'd know better than to try to plan the spacing of my children. After all, the title of my blog... Expecting without Expectations... was supposed to teach me to let go of expecting anything when it comes to pregnancy and parenthood. Um, let's just forget that tiny little factoid for a few. Okay?
I've been keenly observing mothers with more than one child for about 3 months now. I see them in the grocery store, visiting the park, at the doctor's office. I have no qualms about asking them if they like the age differences between their children. In fact, I met one of my good friends that way.
There has been extensive research done on the topic of optimal birth spacing. I've read a good bit of it. Do you want to know how I would summarize it all?
I must start this post by stating that this whole 'work' thing is a real hindrance to my creative side! While I am enjoying the paycheck and it's certainly wonderful to feel like 'me' again, I find that working so many hours seems to suck the creative life right out of me. By the time that I leave work, stop at the grocery store, make dinner, help with bath, breastfeed, and tend to my husband and babe, I'm looking at the clock and thinking, "Where did the day go?" I'm lucky if I check my e-mail some days.
So what do I do with ALL my leftover time, you ask? I start thinking about whether or not it's time to try for 'Thing 2'. I know, it's a little ridiculous. One interesting fact about me: The more I have on my plate, the hungrier I get. I thrive under pressure.
I've been thinking about this age-spacing thing for a while now. For the first 10 months of Gabe's life I swore up and down that he would be an only child. The responses were typical, "Oh honey, you'll forget how hard this is." I would stand as firm as a soldier and state, "NO! I will NOT forget what this is like. I'm exhausted. No one told how much being a mother sucks!" The tears that usually followed that statement often made whomever I was talking to actually agree that one child was probably all I could handle.
Well, Gabe just turned 1 and guess what? I haven't forgotten how difficult it was, but the memory IS slowly fading. While my little guy is still not sleeping through the night, he's made enough improvement for me to reinstate his previously lost 'sibling privileges'.
You'd think that I'd know better than to try to plan the spacing of my children. After all, the title of my blog... Expecting without Expectations... was supposed to teach me to let go of expecting anything when it comes to pregnancy and parenthood. Um, let's just forget that tiny little factoid for a few. Okay?
I've been keenly observing mothers with more than one child for about 3 months now. I see them in the grocery store, visiting the park, at the doctor's office. I have no qualms about asking them if they like the age differences between their children. In fact, I met one of my good friends that way.
There has been extensive research done on the topic of optimal birth spacing. I've read a good bit of it. Do you want to know how I would summarize it all?
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS OPTIMAL BIRTH SPACING.
There are pros and cons to having children closer together AND there are pros and cons to giving yourself a little breather and spacing them out a bit.
So, where does that leave me?? This parenthood thing has been wonderful and I adore my son. However, it's also kicked me in the ass. I'm afraid that if I wait until he gets a bit more independent I may get a taste of my own Independence back and say 'Screw it, I'm done'. I'm still full force in baby-mode and my sleeping is spotty, at best. So, why not just continue this fun all at once?
At the same time, I feel guilty about taking time away from my first born to do this. He's still happily breastfeeding and that will likely need to stop if I get pregnant (due to pre-term contractions with my first). I'm not entirely certain that my body has recovered completely. Despite the fact that I eat amazingly healthy, I'm not sure that my nutritional stores are enough to grow as strong and healthy a baby as I'd like.
Well, here's to letting go of all expectations... and just seeing what happens, playing it by ear, flying by the seat of my pants. I've been incredibly blessed in my life thus far and I have every reason to believe that the 'timing' is already set. My second angel will know just when it's time to make his or her appearance.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
To work or not to work? Deciding prior to birth is a wasted expectation!
I just got home from one of my three jobs. Yes, that's right... I have three jobs. Why, you ask? Well, because I'm one of those 'never-quite-satisfied' people and one job just wasn't enough. It's like the early stages of dating, prior to finding your perfect mate. You date several guys with several flaws and over drinks with the girls you admit, "God, I just wish I could take certain aspects of each guy and put them all together! Mike is great in bed, but a lousy conversationalist. John is an amazing artist and is really smart, but has the social skills of a 7 year old. Dave is a great athlete and is hilarious, but is terrible with his finances. Why can't I find a guy who has ALL of these great qualities?" Well, that's how I feel about working. I can't seem to find that one job that 'has it all'. One of my jobs is with a large teaching hospital. I certainly am challenged by the job and the people that I work with are really intelligent and driven. However, being inside the same large building day in and day out would irritate me. My second job is monetarily lucrative and allows me much autonomy, but I'm working with a rather difficult patient population. So, instead of settling (which happens much too often in both relationships and careers), I figure I can have my cake and eat it too!
So far... so good.
I am very fortunate to have found a career and a work/life balance that has worked well for myself and my family. I wish that I could say the same for some of my friends, many of whom struggle daily with finding the right combination of both. It's certainly a challenge that nearly every mom that I know has faced.
For ease of simplicity, I categorize my 'Working Mom Friends' into two categories:
A) Mamma's who work for the love of their career. These moms find great joy in maintaining their sense of 'self' that they had prior to baby. They love what they do and I've often heard them say, "I'm a better mom because I work". They aren't forced to work due to finances, but rather have decided to continue their career path that they took so long to build. These moms are both lucky and rare.
B) Mamma's who don't really love their jobs, but are financially obligated to continue getting up everyday and helping to 'bring home the bacon'. If given the choice, these moms would happily discontinue working and stay at home with the babes. These moms are usually (and I emphasize usually) quite discontent with their current situations. They are often trying to find other ways to maintain financial stability and yet still stay home.
I realize that this is very simplistic and there are other categories and subcategories of working Mammas. However, most of my girlfriends would fit nicely into one of these two groups.
If I could offer just ONE piece of advice to those friends of mine who do not yet have children it would be:
So far... so good.
I am very fortunate to have found a career and a work/life balance that has worked well for myself and my family. I wish that I could say the same for some of my friends, many of whom struggle daily with finding the right combination of both. It's certainly a challenge that nearly every mom that I know has faced.
For ease of simplicity, I categorize my 'Working Mom Friends' into two categories:
A) Mamma's who work for the love of their career. These moms find great joy in maintaining their sense of 'self' that they had prior to baby. They love what they do and I've often heard them say, "I'm a better mom because I work". They aren't forced to work due to finances, but rather have decided to continue their career path that they took so long to build. These moms are both lucky and rare.
B) Mamma's who don't really love their jobs, but are financially obligated to continue getting up everyday and helping to 'bring home the bacon'. If given the choice, these moms would happily discontinue working and stay at home with the babes. These moms are usually (and I emphasize usually) quite discontent with their current situations. They are often trying to find other ways to maintain financial stability and yet still stay home.
I realize that this is very simplistic and there are other categories and subcategories of working Mammas. However, most of my girlfriends would fit nicely into one of these two groups.
If I could offer just ONE piece of advice to those friends of mine who do not yet have children it would be:
Don't make the decision about whether you will return to work or not until your child has arrived.
Now, I can already hear the "Yeah, but...." comments coming through my computer. "Yeah, but I have to let my work know what I am doing." or "Yeah, but I don't really have a choice. I have to go back to work." or "Yeah, but I know that I am going to stay home for at least a year."
Listen to me and listen to me carefully: You have no idea what you are going to want to do until your little bundle has arrived. Life prior to children is much different than life post-baby. Everything changes, right down to the core of YOU.
My husband and I had decided to try our best to set ourselves up financially so that I didn't have to return to work for at least a year. I just 'knew' in my heart that I wanted to stay home with my baby. So, we sacrificed and saved just enough so that this would be possible.
Guess what I was doing on Gabe's 8 week birthday!? Driving as fast as I could down Route 83 towards the hospital where I worked. I was ecstatic to get a coffee on the way into work and I was even more thrilled to be working with a sick patient population. As insane as that might sound to some of you, working was just what I needed to make me feel 'normal' again.
My story is a bit more unique than the opposite scenario that I hear quite often. I have so many friends who are hell-bent on getting back to work as soon as their 12 week maternity leave is over. They are convinced that they will be 'ready' and that the baby will be old enough to leave comfortably. (I remember, prior to having a baby, thinking how 'old' a 3 month-old baby was.) Staying home for three months seems so long, until you are faced with the Sunday before returning to work, and you are a literal mess. You have more anxiety than you did before starting your job for the first time. This is where I've seen many girlfriends come as close to a mental breakdown as I have ever seen.
So, what can you do prior to becoming pregnant and then in the days leading up to having the baby?
1. Set yourself up financially so that you are able to stay home for up to a year. This may seem like a lofty goal on top of your piles of mortgage bills, student loans, and new baby expenses. I realize that. However, if possible, skip that Starbucks run today. Tell your friend that you simply can't make her Hawaiian wedding. Do everything you can to save prior to the birth of the baby. It will be worth it.
2. Plan to take a three month maternity leave, but don't just 'quit' your job prior to having the baby. You may quickly realize, as I did, that your job is your only chance as maintaining sanity. There is less guilt in leaving your baby to go to work than there is in leaving your baby to go shopping or out with the girls. You may find that you are one of those woman who IS a better mom when you are working.
3. Begin exploring options for part-time employment. Talk to your boss about working a 4 day work week. I would suggest talking to your employer about working from home, but I've seen many a girlfriend try this unsuccessfully. As much of a multi-tasker as you are, it's nearly impossible to get work done with a baby in the home. The basic advice here is to explore your options of part-time work.
Whatever you do, don't make any 'decisions' about what you will do with your career prior to the birth of your miracle. While you may think you know what is best, there is no way to accurately predict how you will feel once your child has arrived.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Learning to embrace loss- what it means to have a child
When Gabe was a month old, I remember sitting outside talking to one of my girlfriends on the phone. She was a new Mamma too, but her little guy was around 7 months old, making her an expert in my inexperienced eyes. She said something in that conversation that has stuck with me since. (Which says a lot considering the fact that the first few months post-birth are all a blur to me. They seem more dream-like than reality!) She said:
"Having a child is really about loss."
I couldn't figure that one out for the life of me. How could my new addition, this wonderful new life, be about loss? I actually thought about that for a long time, trying to figure out what she meant. I must have tucked that thought in the archives of all the advice I was receiving.
In a week, Gabe will be turning 1... and I finally GET it.
Having a child is about learning to embrace loss. My first understanding of this concept came when Gabe was about six months old and we were getting ready for a move up the East Coast. As I sat in his room packing up his things, I began to cry. I was on the floor and I was separating his clothes into piles. I picked up a onesie that was once swimming on him and could have easily doubled as a dress. I remembered back to when we first put this on him and I remember thinking, "This will never fit him. What was I thinking when I bought it?" Eventually, his little body grew and he fit nicely into the onesie. It didn't take long before it became more and more snug. (The dryer is really shrinking our clothes, I naively thought.) He wore this onesie for two months too long. Was it because he looked so cute in it? Was it because it was comfortable? Negative and negative. My tears quickly turned to cries, which then quickly turned to sobs. The onesie now became my handkerchief. I couldn't bring myself to put it in the 'too small' pile. I packed it with the other fitting onesies that would be making the trip with us.
You know how you feel after an irrational emotional breakdown? Like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders, and yet you can't figure out why the hell you were so emotional!? That's how I felt. I realized that I was having a hard time accepting the loss of my little baby. Of course he was still a baby in my eyes, but he was no longer that fragile little being that fit into that onesie. And that's what this was all about.
I've heard similar stories time and time again from fellow moms. One of my girlfriends writes about her 'emotional breakdown' when she was folding the crib sheets after transitioning her baby into a big-boy bed. Another girlfriend tells me about the pain she felt after taking her little guy for his first haircut.
While encouraging development and growth in our children, moms also have the unique experience of mourning the loss of our babies as they reach the many wonderful milestones of life. Outwardly we rejoice at the 'firsts', inwardly (whether knowingly or not at the time) we realize that this new first is just another step towards indepedence.
Take, for example, leaving your child with a babysitter or at a daycare. If you are anything like me, the moment you closed the car door you became so emotionally unstable that it probably wasn't safe to drive. I remember trying to see the road through my tears. Was the baby okay? Sure he was. In fact, two seconds after I left, he didn't even notice my absence. While crying my thoughts were: "What if he needs me?". The reality of the situation is that all of his needs were being met. It was ME that needed to adjust to the loss of being without my baby.
Children are amazingly resilient. Largely due to their innocence, and perhaps due to their lack of fear, they adapt well to most situations. It's Mamma that has the difficult time adapting.
My advice, although I'm a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do type girl, is to embrace the loss. Do not be afraid of letting go of the past and allowing your child to grow and thrive. Our world is much too focused on holding on. Nothing is forever and the permeable aspect of life is what makes it so sacred.
"Having a child is really about loss."
I couldn't figure that one out for the life of me. How could my new addition, this wonderful new life, be about loss? I actually thought about that for a long time, trying to figure out what she meant. I must have tucked that thought in the archives of all the advice I was receiving.
In a week, Gabe will be turning 1... and I finally GET it.
Having a child is about learning to embrace loss. My first understanding of this concept came when Gabe was about six months old and we were getting ready for a move up the East Coast. As I sat in his room packing up his things, I began to cry. I was on the floor and I was separating his clothes into piles. I picked up a onesie that was once swimming on him and could have easily doubled as a dress. I remembered back to when we first put this on him and I remember thinking, "This will never fit him. What was I thinking when I bought it?" Eventually, his little body grew and he fit nicely into the onesie. It didn't take long before it became more and more snug. (The dryer is really shrinking our clothes, I naively thought.) He wore this onesie for two months too long. Was it because he looked so cute in it? Was it because it was comfortable? Negative and negative. My tears quickly turned to cries, which then quickly turned to sobs. The onesie now became my handkerchief. I couldn't bring myself to put it in the 'too small' pile. I packed it with the other fitting onesies that would be making the trip with us.
You know how you feel after an irrational emotional breakdown? Like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders, and yet you can't figure out why the hell you were so emotional!? That's how I felt. I realized that I was having a hard time accepting the loss of my little baby. Of course he was still a baby in my eyes, but he was no longer that fragile little being that fit into that onesie. And that's what this was all about.
I've heard similar stories time and time again from fellow moms. One of my girlfriends writes about her 'emotional breakdown' when she was folding the crib sheets after transitioning her baby into a big-boy bed. Another girlfriend tells me about the pain she felt after taking her little guy for his first haircut.
While encouraging development and growth in our children, moms also have the unique experience of mourning the loss of our babies as they reach the many wonderful milestones of life. Outwardly we rejoice at the 'firsts', inwardly (whether knowingly or not at the time) we realize that this new first is just another step towards indepedence.
Take, for example, leaving your child with a babysitter or at a daycare. If you are anything like me, the moment you closed the car door you became so emotionally unstable that it probably wasn't safe to drive. I remember trying to see the road through my tears. Was the baby okay? Sure he was. In fact, two seconds after I left, he didn't even notice my absence. While crying my thoughts were: "What if he needs me?". The reality of the situation is that all of his needs were being met. It was ME that needed to adjust to the loss of being without my baby.
Children are amazingly resilient. Largely due to their innocence, and perhaps due to their lack of fear, they adapt well to most situations. It's Mamma that has the difficult time adapting.
My advice, although I'm a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do type girl, is to embrace the loss. Do not be afraid of letting go of the past and allowing your child to grow and thrive. Our world is much too focused on holding on. Nothing is forever and the permeable aspect of life is what makes it so sacred.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
I lost my First Expectation a long time ago: Getting pregnant (and staying pregnant) is not as easy as it looks
Since starting this blog I've jumped around discussing several "busted" expectations surrounding the topic of pregnancy and motherhood. I'm going to press the rewind button for a moment and start at the absolute beginning. I'm going to discuss the much-debated "C" word... Conception.
Now I don't know about all of you, but prior to making the decision that I was ready to get "knocked up", I really didn't think much about Conception. In fact, the only thought I really had was avoiding it. Condoms, the Pill, Pulling-out, Praying to the 'Virgin' Mary... you name it and I did it. While I'm glad that I was safe and I certainly advocate responsible birth control, had I known JUST how difficult it was to get pregnant, I would have saved myself much unneeded stress. (Not to mention all the money I wasted on those one-lined pregnancy tests!)
In fact, I must have missed that biology class in which we learned that an ovum can only 'live' for an absolute maximum of 48 hours, once released into the fallopian tube. It took me 27 years (and thousands of dollars in nursing school debt) to learn that I could only get pregnant one (MAYBE two) days out of an entire month!
I know many of you must be thinking: "What the fuck is that about?" I know, you must have missed that class too, huh? Did you have the same idea I had? When you were ready to get pregnant you would throw away the pill, burn the condoms, and softly whisper in your man's ear, "Honey, you don't have to pull out this time." Yup, my thoughts exactly.
Even more amazing to me, is the fact that even if the sperm is able to wiggle his little tush up to meet the glowing ovum in time, there is only a 25% chance that he will be able to penetrate her walls. (I don't mean to minimize the topic, but this reminds me of a guy's chance of getting a woman to go home with him from the bar. Just because she smiles at him from across the room doesn't mean she's letting him in. Odds are about 25%, from my experience). So on the 1-2 days that it's actually biologically possible to conceive each month, you only have a 25% chance that it will happen.
Shit, I've just realized that I've made it sound as though winning the lottery is easier than getting pregnant. I didn't mean to scare you. After all, most couples (approximately 85%) do conceive within a year of trying. In addition, I have several friends (I actually like to call them bitches), who are able to conceive without even having sex. Okay, maybe that's not true, but I do have a few friends who did conceive on their first try!
With that being said, a year can feel like a long time. After about a month or two of 'just having fun', my husband and I started adding all sorts of techniques to our attempts. I'm sharing this because I know very well that I am not alone. I've spent more time with my legs in the air after sex than should be allowed. (And trust me, I had a lot of time to think about this topic because while all the blood was rushing to my head, my husband was sound asleep!) We tried every position 'known' to promote pregnancy, ovulation calenders, and even conception diets. I even have a good friend, (and I won't mention any names!) who had her husband pray over her bare cooch after sex!
With all of this knowledge in hand, it shouldn't come as a major surprise to me that many of my girlfriends are having trouble Conceiving. Clomid, IVF, and Fertility have sadly become such common words in my regular vocabulary. There are many theories surrounding why this is so, too many to mention here. I will say that I do support the theory that perhaps we are hearing more about infertility because women are now waiting until later in life to start families. Unfortunately, our society is built around the vital importance of gaining financial and professional success, leaving little time for women to take 'breaks' to conceive.
Having lost our first Pregnancy to miscarriage, and then taking what felt like a very long time to conceive following that, I can empathize with the struggles, fear, and pain that surrounds the topic of infertility. I also sat in my physicians office wondering if my body had failed me. I spent many a night crying and feeling guilty that I wasn't 'strong' enough to maintain my pregnancy. (Of course, hindsight has helped me to realize this wasn't the case). I, too, wondered if my husband regretted choosing me as his 'mate'.
Thankfully, we were blessed with a child. I am fully cognisant of the fact that not all women are.
So, I close with this final thought: The first step to getting pregnant, in my humble opinion, is letting go of the expectation that you will get pregnant. By no means is this to say that you shouldn't try or that you should give up hope. Rather, it helped me to let go of the expectations that it will happen naturally and quickly, if at all. It may, if you are a lucky bitch! But for many of us it is a long and stressful process. Try, if you can, to enjoy it. Now, get off this computer and go find your man!!
Now I don't know about all of you, but prior to making the decision that I was ready to get "knocked up", I really didn't think much about Conception. In fact, the only thought I really had was avoiding it. Condoms, the Pill, Pulling-out, Praying to the 'Virgin' Mary... you name it and I did it. While I'm glad that I was safe and I certainly advocate responsible birth control, had I known JUST how difficult it was to get pregnant, I would have saved myself much unneeded stress. (Not to mention all the money I wasted on those one-lined pregnancy tests!)
In fact, I must have missed that biology class in which we learned that an ovum can only 'live' for an absolute maximum of 48 hours, once released into the fallopian tube. It took me 27 years (and thousands of dollars in nursing school debt) to learn that I could only get pregnant one (MAYBE two) days out of an entire month!
I know many of you must be thinking: "What the fuck is that about?" I know, you must have missed that class too, huh? Did you have the same idea I had? When you were ready to get pregnant you would throw away the pill, burn the condoms, and softly whisper in your man's ear, "Honey, you don't have to pull out this time." Yup, my thoughts exactly.
Even more amazing to me, is the fact that even if the sperm is able to wiggle his little tush up to meet the glowing ovum in time, there is only a 25% chance that he will be able to penetrate her walls. (I don't mean to minimize the topic, but this reminds me of a guy's chance of getting a woman to go home with him from the bar. Just because she smiles at him from across the room doesn't mean she's letting him in. Odds are about 25%, from my experience). So on the 1-2 days that it's actually biologically possible to conceive each month, you only have a 25% chance that it will happen.
Shit, I've just realized that I've made it sound as though winning the lottery is easier than getting pregnant. I didn't mean to scare you. After all, most couples (approximately 85%) do conceive within a year of trying. In addition, I have several friends (I actually like to call them bitches), who are able to conceive without even having sex. Okay, maybe that's not true, but I do have a few friends who did conceive on their first try!
With that being said, a year can feel like a long time. After about a month or two of 'just having fun', my husband and I started adding all sorts of techniques to our attempts. I'm sharing this because I know very well that I am not alone. I've spent more time with my legs in the air after sex than should be allowed. (And trust me, I had a lot of time to think about this topic because while all the blood was rushing to my head, my husband was sound asleep!) We tried every position 'known' to promote pregnancy, ovulation calenders, and even conception diets. I even have a good friend, (and I won't mention any names!) who had her husband pray over her bare cooch after sex!
With all of this knowledge in hand, it shouldn't come as a major surprise to me that many of my girlfriends are having trouble Conceiving. Clomid, IVF, and Fertility have sadly become such common words in my regular vocabulary. There are many theories surrounding why this is so, too many to mention here. I will say that I do support the theory that perhaps we are hearing more about infertility because women are now waiting until later in life to start families. Unfortunately, our society is built around the vital importance of gaining financial and professional success, leaving little time for women to take 'breaks' to conceive.
Having lost our first Pregnancy to miscarriage, and then taking what felt like a very long time to conceive following that, I can empathize with the struggles, fear, and pain that surrounds the topic of infertility. I also sat in my physicians office wondering if my body had failed me. I spent many a night crying and feeling guilty that I wasn't 'strong' enough to maintain my pregnancy. (Of course, hindsight has helped me to realize this wasn't the case). I, too, wondered if my husband regretted choosing me as his 'mate'.
Thankfully, we were blessed with a child. I am fully cognisant of the fact that not all women are.
So, I close with this final thought: The first step to getting pregnant, in my humble opinion, is letting go of the expectation that you will get pregnant. By no means is this to say that you shouldn't try or that you should give up hope. Rather, it helped me to let go of the expectations that it will happen naturally and quickly, if at all. It may, if you are a lucky bitch! But for many of us it is a long and stressful process. Try, if you can, to enjoy it. Now, get off this computer and go find your man!!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Post-baby dating... let's shatter Expectation #69
My husband and I went on a 'date' last night for the first time in three months. In fact, it was only the fourth time we've gone out together, sans baby, in an entire year! Had someone told me (prior to becoming a mom) that I'd go on four dates a year, I would have laughed. "Rubbish", I'd exclaim! "We will have a weekly date night. Come rain or shine, we will be out eating, drinking, and dancing the night away!" Expectation #69: SHATTERED
Dating after having a baby is a whole unique experience. I'm still not entirely convinced that it's worth the effort that goes into it. All four of our 'dates' have basically gone the same way, so I will just sum up the important points for you.
The first step in the process is securing your babysitter. I'm pretty certain that getting into Harvard is much easier than finding a good babysitter, so this step could take a while. Be patient. (Oh, and by the way, don't hire that woman from Craigslist who claimed to have great references. She told me to 'drop-dead' when I explained that we weren't the right fit.) Sorry, I digress. So, once you find your babysitter, you must book her a month in advance. After all, she's making more money that you are. SHE calls the shots. Okay, sitter booked. What's next?
The week prior to the date, spend hours on the Internet trying to find something fun to do. Since you are completely out of touch with the 'going-out' scene, everything should look appealing. Pick something fun to do, but take into account the drive time to and from the venue. God knows you will probably get called to come home because your baby wont stop screaming. Make reservations for dinner. Get laughed at when you ask for a table for 2 at 5:00 pm. "Lady, you don't need reservations at 5:00. However, you will be glad to know that you will be arriving in time for our early bird specials."
The day of the date has arrived. You are nervous and jittery all day and can't figure out why. This is the day of reckoning. One of three things will happen on this day. (And I swear that all three have happened to us!) #1. Your baby, who never gets sick, will happen to fall ill with the worst illness he has ever had. #2. Your babysitter will cancel on you because her Grandmother unexpectedly came into town. OR #3. God will decide that he has been holding way too much precipitation up in the sky, so he lets it out all at once. This, of course, causes power outages and way too much stress.
If you've made it this far and all three of these things has NOT happened, luck is on your side and you may actually make it out the door. You secretly take turns getting 'ready', trying to disguise the fact that you are going out from the baby. Opening your closet, you suddenly realize just how many going-out clothes you have, even if they all are a bit snug in the ass.
The sitter arrives, you sit down with her to go over the book you have written that includes all the emergency contacts, directions to the hospital, and what side the baby prefers to sleep on. Once you feel that she really understands your directions, you give the baby a kiss and rush out the door, ignoring the peas that were smeared on your pants. Maybe no one will notice.
You arrive just in time for your 5 pm dinner reservations. The only other people there are elderly or other new parents. The menu looks better than any other menu you have seen before, likely due to the facts that a) You don't have to cook it and b) You haven't been to a restaurant in 3 months. You order a drink, some apps, and the night has begun! You stare lovingly into your husbands eyes, barely recognizing the man across the table. You haven't looked at him in ages. He's handsome.
Then... the drinks arrive. Two sips into your Martini you suddenly realize you are buzzed. You also suddenly realize that your phone has been on silent. You quickly turn it on, thankful you haven't missed a call, and place it right next to the fork on the table. The conversation so far has been entirely focused around the baby. Despite strong efforts on both parts to talk about anything else, the topic seems to consistently drift back to the baby.
By the time dinner arrives you have finished your Martini and your buzz has progressed to a full out drunken state. You decide that you had better rush home to check on the baby. You contemplate the idea of leaving your husband at the table, telling him you have to use the bathroom, while secretly rushing home. Thankfully, you still have SOME sense. Besides, your too tired for the trouble. Instead, you rush your husband through his meal. You miss the baby so much and the only place you want to be is home.
You arrive home to find the babysitter fully engrossed in The Hills. After brief chatter about what an asshole Spencer is, you dare to ask about the night. "It was fine", she states. "What do you mean fine?" you skeptically ask. "Well, we played for a while. Then we read some books. He fell asleep in my arms and I put him in the crib. He hasn't made a peep since." You thank her and pay quadruple what you used to make as a babysitter and she's on her way.
Was the date a success?? Absolutely!! A successful date post-baby is characterized by three key factors:
1. You made it out the door.
2. You didn't fall asleep at the dinner table (or on the way home, for the driver at least).
3. The baby is alive (and sleeping!)
And the grand finale, you ask?! Um, no thanks. We'd both rather just go to sleep!
Dating after having a baby is a whole unique experience. I'm still not entirely convinced that it's worth the effort that goes into it. All four of our 'dates' have basically gone the same way, so I will just sum up the important points for you.
The first step in the process is securing your babysitter. I'm pretty certain that getting into Harvard is much easier than finding a good babysitter, so this step could take a while. Be patient. (Oh, and by the way, don't hire that woman from Craigslist who claimed to have great references. She told me to 'drop-dead' when I explained that we weren't the right fit.) Sorry, I digress. So, once you find your babysitter, you must book her a month in advance. After all, she's making more money that you are. SHE calls the shots. Okay, sitter booked. What's next?
The week prior to the date, spend hours on the Internet trying to find something fun to do. Since you are completely out of touch with the 'going-out' scene, everything should look appealing. Pick something fun to do, but take into account the drive time to and from the venue. God knows you will probably get called to come home because your baby wont stop screaming. Make reservations for dinner. Get laughed at when you ask for a table for 2 at 5:00 pm. "Lady, you don't need reservations at 5:00. However, you will be glad to know that you will be arriving in time for our early bird specials."
The day of the date has arrived. You are nervous and jittery all day and can't figure out why. This is the day of reckoning. One of three things will happen on this day. (And I swear that all three have happened to us!) #1. Your baby, who never gets sick, will happen to fall ill with the worst illness he has ever had. #2. Your babysitter will cancel on you because her Grandmother unexpectedly came into town. OR #3. God will decide that he has been holding way too much precipitation up in the sky, so he lets it out all at once. This, of course, causes power outages and way too much stress.
If you've made it this far and all three of these things has NOT happened, luck is on your side and you may actually make it out the door. You secretly take turns getting 'ready', trying to disguise the fact that you are going out from the baby. Opening your closet, you suddenly realize just how many going-out clothes you have, even if they all are a bit snug in the ass.
The sitter arrives, you sit down with her to go over the book you have written that includes all the emergency contacts, directions to the hospital, and what side the baby prefers to sleep on. Once you feel that she really understands your directions, you give the baby a kiss and rush out the door, ignoring the peas that were smeared on your pants. Maybe no one will notice.
You arrive just in time for your 5 pm dinner reservations. The only other people there are elderly or other new parents. The menu looks better than any other menu you have seen before, likely due to the facts that a) You don't have to cook it and b) You haven't been to a restaurant in 3 months. You order a drink, some apps, and the night has begun! You stare lovingly into your husbands eyes, barely recognizing the man across the table. You haven't looked at him in ages. He's handsome.
Then... the drinks arrive. Two sips into your Martini you suddenly realize you are buzzed. You also suddenly realize that your phone has been on silent. You quickly turn it on, thankful you haven't missed a call, and place it right next to the fork on the table. The conversation so far has been entirely focused around the baby. Despite strong efforts on both parts to talk about anything else, the topic seems to consistently drift back to the baby.
By the time dinner arrives you have finished your Martini and your buzz has progressed to a full out drunken state. You decide that you had better rush home to check on the baby. You contemplate the idea of leaving your husband at the table, telling him you have to use the bathroom, while secretly rushing home. Thankfully, you still have SOME sense. Besides, your too tired for the trouble. Instead, you rush your husband through his meal. You miss the baby so much and the only place you want to be is home.
You arrive home to find the babysitter fully engrossed in The Hills. After brief chatter about what an asshole Spencer is, you dare to ask about the night. "It was fine", she states. "What do you mean fine?" you skeptically ask. "Well, we played for a while. Then we read some books. He fell asleep in my arms and I put him in the crib. He hasn't made a peep since." You thank her and pay quadruple what you used to make as a babysitter and she's on her way.
Was the date a success?? Absolutely!! A successful date post-baby is characterized by three key factors:
1. You made it out the door.
2. You didn't fall asleep at the dinner table (or on the way home, for the driver at least).
3. The baby is alive (and sleeping!)
And the grand finale, you ask?! Um, no thanks. We'd both rather just go to sleep!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Another expectation bites the dust! It's cool though... afterall, sleep is for the weak!
I would have bet a million (okay, maybe a thousand) bucks on the fact that by the time Gabe turned a year old, he'd be sleeping through the night. This is the one expectation that got me through the first six months of his life! While pacing the floors at 3 am with a screaming baby, I'd envision my peaceful nights to come.
The fantasy went something like this: My husband and I would be sitting at the dining table, enjoying a wonderfully home-cooked meal, with Gabe munching next to us in his high chair. (Cue classical music in the background). I'd clear the table and throw the dishes in the dishwasher as my husband took Gabe upstairs to start a bath. I'd finish the kitchen cleanup just in time to see my adorable son - fully clad in his adorable one-piece footsie pajamas - picking out his bedtime books. He'd cuddle up next to me to enjoy his story. His eyes would start to close and I'd carefully place him in his crib. I'd turn the monitor on, shut the door, and head downstairs to my awaiting glass of wine. My husband and I would enjoy our drinks while discussing the events of the day. We'd head to bed for some amazing, knock-you-out type lovemaking. I'd be awakened not by the alarm, but by the sweet babbling of my baby over the monitor. We'd lie in bed and soak in the sounds, amazed at our little creation. Finally, my husband would bring the baby into our room, where we'd all snuggle and laugh the morning away.
Comparing my fantasy to our reality is a joke. In the 349 days that Gabriel has existed on this earth, he has yet to sleep through the night. On a good night, and I say this with all honesty, he wakes up 3 times. I've resigned myself to the fact that these dark circles under my eyes are just an additional accessory that I will have to wear now that I'm a parent. They're dark enough that they actually complement my brown wood hoop earrings. My husband wasn't blessed with the dark circles. Instead, he was given the large bags under his eyes as his badge to wear!
We really aren't certain why Gabe doesn't like to sleep. Doesn't he know how good it feels to just lie there silently with his eyes closed? Here is a list of all the possible reasons we've thought of and that others have suggested (usually without regard to the fact that I don't want to hear it!):
-We never taught him the 'skill' of learning how to put himself to sleep alone.
-He's afraid of the dark.
-He's kept awake by constant gas ("Did I try eliminating dairy?", they ask... Jesus, yes!!!).
-I tossed and turned too much during pregnancy, resulting in his not knowing how to keep still.
-He's just not tired (Um... seriously NOT a possibility!).
-Gabe doesn't know the difference between day and night (Someone actually suggested we try hanging him upside down to switch his days and nights. WHAT?!).
-He doesn't play enough during the day to make him tired at night.
The list could go on and on. Do you want to know what I say to this list??
BULLSHIT!
My child doesn't sleep because I was blessed with a bad sleeper. It's that simple. And, truthfully, do the reasons why he isn't sleeping really matter? What matters more is how to get him to sleep more/better!?
This leads me to another list, albeit much shorter than the first. When I tell someone that Gabe is a terrible sleeper, (which, by the way, I rarely do anymore as it's not worth the 'advice') I get one of three responses. I swear that I've heard/seen these same three responses every single time:
1. Eyebrows go up, in a clear look of disapproval. No words are said, but the look says it all, "This is YOUR fault, momma. Every child should be sleeping through the night at a year old. You really should stop breastfeeding."
2. "You are spoiling him. Just let him cry it out. Haven't you heard of Ferber? I did this. It only took three nights and now I have the best sleeper in the entire world!"
3. "Oh, don't even bother. My six year old STILL doesn't sleep through the night".
I am not even exaggerating a bit when I say that these are the only responses that I hear. I wont debate the whole Cry It Out (CIO)/ Ferber technique. To each their own and I will not judge you if you try this method. However, I will say that there is something very unnatural to me about listening to my baby scream in the next room. How do we know that Jeffrey Dahmer's mother didn't let him CIO and that's how he ended up in the situation he was in!?
So, I've come to some general conclusions about sleep. Your child is either born a good sleeper or he isn't. You can try various techniques to improve sleep, but it's more than likely be unsuccessful and cause you way more stress than is necessary. There is no way to 'fix' this problem. And, if you don't believe me, you can borrow one of the seven 'Sleep Books' that I have in my 'library'.
So, to all of you ladies who are expecting or thinking of having children, let go of that expectation that your child is going to sleep through the night anytime in the first year. Wear those circles under your eyes proudly! When someone asks you "Is your baby sleeping through the night yet?" just smile and nod. More likely than not, the person asking you has the baby who "started sleeping through the night at two weeks." Why else would they ask you that ridiculous question?
The fantasy went something like this: My husband and I would be sitting at the dining table, enjoying a wonderfully home-cooked meal, with Gabe munching next to us in his high chair. (Cue classical music in the background). I'd clear the table and throw the dishes in the dishwasher as my husband took Gabe upstairs to start a bath. I'd finish the kitchen cleanup just in time to see my adorable son - fully clad in his adorable one-piece footsie pajamas - picking out his bedtime books. He'd cuddle up next to me to enjoy his story. His eyes would start to close and I'd carefully place him in his crib. I'd turn the monitor on, shut the door, and head downstairs to my awaiting glass of wine. My husband and I would enjoy our drinks while discussing the events of the day. We'd head to bed for some amazing, knock-you-out type lovemaking. I'd be awakened not by the alarm, but by the sweet babbling of my baby over the monitor. We'd lie in bed and soak in the sounds, amazed at our little creation. Finally, my husband would bring the baby into our room, where we'd all snuggle and laugh the morning away.
Comparing my fantasy to our reality is a joke. In the 349 days that Gabriel has existed on this earth, he has yet to sleep through the night. On a good night, and I say this with all honesty, he wakes up 3 times. I've resigned myself to the fact that these dark circles under my eyes are just an additional accessory that I will have to wear now that I'm a parent. They're dark enough that they actually complement my brown wood hoop earrings. My husband wasn't blessed with the dark circles. Instead, he was given the large bags under his eyes as his badge to wear!
We really aren't certain why Gabe doesn't like to sleep. Doesn't he know how good it feels to just lie there silently with his eyes closed? Here is a list of all the possible reasons we've thought of and that others have suggested (usually without regard to the fact that I don't want to hear it!):
-We never taught him the 'skill' of learning how to put himself to sleep alone.
-He's afraid of the dark.
-He's kept awake by constant gas ("Did I try eliminating dairy?", they ask... Jesus, yes!!!).
-I tossed and turned too much during pregnancy, resulting in his not knowing how to keep still.
-He's just not tired (Um... seriously NOT a possibility!).
-Gabe doesn't know the difference between day and night (Someone actually suggested we try hanging him upside down to switch his days and nights. WHAT?!).
-He doesn't play enough during the day to make him tired at night.
The list could go on and on. Do you want to know what I say to this list??
BULLSHIT!
My child doesn't sleep because I was blessed with a bad sleeper. It's that simple. And, truthfully, do the reasons why he isn't sleeping really matter? What matters more is how to get him to sleep more/better!?
This leads me to another list, albeit much shorter than the first. When I tell someone that Gabe is a terrible sleeper, (which, by the way, I rarely do anymore as it's not worth the 'advice') I get one of three responses. I swear that I've heard/seen these same three responses every single time:
1. Eyebrows go up, in a clear look of disapproval. No words are said, but the look says it all, "This is YOUR fault, momma. Every child should be sleeping through the night at a year old. You really should stop breastfeeding."
2. "You are spoiling him. Just let him cry it out. Haven't you heard of Ferber? I did this. It only took three nights and now I have the best sleeper in the entire world!"
3. "Oh, don't even bother. My six year old STILL doesn't sleep through the night".
I am not even exaggerating a bit when I say that these are the only responses that I hear. I wont debate the whole Cry It Out (CIO)/ Ferber technique. To each their own and I will not judge you if you try this method. However, I will say that there is something very unnatural to me about listening to my baby scream in the next room. How do we know that Jeffrey Dahmer's mother didn't let him CIO and that's how he ended up in the situation he was in!?
So, I've come to some general conclusions about sleep. Your child is either born a good sleeper or he isn't. You can try various techniques to improve sleep, but it's more than likely be unsuccessful and cause you way more stress than is necessary. There is no way to 'fix' this problem. And, if you don't believe me, you can borrow one of the seven 'Sleep Books' that I have in my 'library'.
So, to all of you ladies who are expecting or thinking of having children, let go of that expectation that your child is going to sleep through the night anytime in the first year. Wear those circles under your eyes proudly! When someone asks you "Is your baby sleeping through the night yet?" just smile and nod. More likely than not, the person asking you has the baby who "started sleeping through the night at two weeks." Why else would they ask you that ridiculous question?
Navigating my way through the 'Haves' and 'Have Nots'
I could start at the very beginning, but that would make more sense than I am used to these days. Instead, I'm going to tell you what 'expectation' has been shattered this week. Where the hell are all of these women that I am supposed to be relating to??
Prior to joining this unique club called 'Motherhood', I was acutely aware of the two 'camps' of women: There were the 'haves' and the 'have nots' (children, that is!) Those of us who didn't have children spent our weeks working, hitting the gym, meeting out for drinks, traveling, and complaining about our husbands (or lack thereof). We secretly envied those women who had their shit together and were able to produce those adorable creatures we like to call babies.
On the flip side were those women who spent their weeks attending Play dates, making dinner, bathing babies, and looking forward to the weekends when they would take their lovely families to the Pond and out for ice cream. Those women secretly missed their single days - hating the sight of that cute skinny bitch wearing nothing but her yoga pants and sports bra in the produce section of the grocery store.
Womanhood was classified by these two groups alone. Pre-baby you were a 'have not' and Post-baby you were a 'have'. (Although arguments could be made that post-baby you are a 'have not', since you've lost just about every God-given freedom... but that's another blog for another day.)
Nothing will shake you up and force you to re-evaluate your position on things like a move halfway across the country and trying to make new friends. I had a solid group of girlfriends in Baltimore, mostly 'haves' with a few 'almost haves' and 'have nots' sprinkled in. It was that simple. Fast-forward to present day Boston. I thought it would be so easy here... everyone was like me, right? I would find my group of 'haves' and be on my merry way. I'd see my 'have not' girlfriends here and there for an occasional cup of coffee or wild night out, but I'd be secure in my 'have' tribe.
Shit, what an eyeopener!
Fulfilling my expectations, Boston IS filled with 'haves'. What totally blows me away, (and a great reason to let go of my expectations), are the five million sub-categories!
Let's start with the 'haves' who practice attachment parenting. I really respect, admire, and even follow many of the attachment parenting philosophies, so I thought I'd try to join an AP playgroup. I arrived at the 'meeting', fully equipped with my baby carrier and remembering to leave my formula at home. It took me less time to realize that I wouldn't be friends with the majority of these women than it did for me to pull my boob out. As much as I try not to be judgmental, I must agree with a good friend of mine when she stated the other day, "Girl, breastfeeding a five year old is child abuse. Shit, it's worse than child abuse". Cross this group off my list of places to find girlfriends.
There are the 'haves' who work more hours in a week than God and as a result designate their nannies as pseudo-moms. That also reminds me of the 'haves' who don't work and still designate their nannies as pseudo-moms. I can't relate to these women. Why the fuck did you decide to have children if you didn't even want to see them? I'm sure that I'll get a lot of shit on this comment, but I stand by it wholeheartedly! I'm all for a women's right to work outside the home and to focus on her own professional growth, but not when it comes to forsaking the well being of her own children. I wont even discuss those women with full time nannies who don't work.
There are the 'haves' who stay home full time and make their children the be-all / end-all of their worlds. We all know those women... the ones who while pushing their children out of their vagina also lost the capability of discussing ANY topic NOT related to their children. You know what I mean: In an attempt to get them to talk about something non-child related you ask them if they've read any good books lately. The response: "Goodnight Moon is my favorite!" Their entire identity is defined by motherhood. Again, I attempt to refrain from judgement, but I just have a hard time understanding how this could make anyone happy.
Perhaps it's my cynical side emerging, but where the hell are all the normal moms around here? If anyone can point me in the right direction it would be greatly appreciated. I like to think that I'm not that abnormal, but I'm beginning to wonder!? I've searched Meetup for some cool mom groups and quickly came to the conclusion that Boston has a very unique 'Mom-club'. I found one group on Meetup that seemed pretty 'normal', so I requested to attend one of their Playgroups. Imagine my surprise when the 'moderator' wrote back and said, "Our playgroup is full right now. When a spot does become available, we generally give it to someone we know. Good luck!" WTF??? Since when did joining a fucking playgroup become harder than rushing a sorority??
Wish me luck in finding my group of 'Haves'... if you have any ideas for me, you'll find me sitting at the bar enjoying a Martini with my much less complicated 'Have-Nots'.
Prior to joining this unique club called 'Motherhood', I was acutely aware of the two 'camps' of women: There were the 'haves' and the 'have nots' (children, that is!) Those of us who didn't have children spent our weeks working, hitting the gym, meeting out for drinks, traveling, and complaining about our husbands (or lack thereof). We secretly envied those women who had their shit together and were able to produce those adorable creatures we like to call babies.
On the flip side were those women who spent their weeks attending Play dates, making dinner, bathing babies, and looking forward to the weekends when they would take their lovely families to the Pond and out for ice cream. Those women secretly missed their single days - hating the sight of that cute skinny bitch wearing nothing but her yoga pants and sports bra in the produce section of the grocery store.
Womanhood was classified by these two groups alone. Pre-baby you were a 'have not' and Post-baby you were a 'have'. (Although arguments could be made that post-baby you are a 'have not', since you've lost just about every God-given freedom... but that's another blog for another day.)
Nothing will shake you up and force you to re-evaluate your position on things like a move halfway across the country and trying to make new friends. I had a solid group of girlfriends in Baltimore, mostly 'haves' with a few 'almost haves' and 'have nots' sprinkled in. It was that simple. Fast-forward to present day Boston. I thought it would be so easy here... everyone was like me, right? I would find my group of 'haves' and be on my merry way. I'd see my 'have not' girlfriends here and there for an occasional cup of coffee or wild night out, but I'd be secure in my 'have' tribe.
Shit, what an eyeopener!
Fulfilling my expectations, Boston IS filled with 'haves'. What totally blows me away, (and a great reason to let go of my expectations), are the five million sub-categories!
Let's start with the 'haves' who practice attachment parenting. I really respect, admire, and even follow many of the attachment parenting philosophies, so I thought I'd try to join an AP playgroup. I arrived at the 'meeting', fully equipped with my baby carrier and remembering to leave my formula at home. It took me less time to realize that I wouldn't be friends with the majority of these women than it did for me to pull my boob out. As much as I try not to be judgmental, I must agree with a good friend of mine when she stated the other day, "Girl, breastfeeding a five year old is child abuse. Shit, it's worse than child abuse". Cross this group off my list of places to find girlfriends.
There are the 'haves' who work more hours in a week than God and as a result designate their nannies as pseudo-moms. That also reminds me of the 'haves' who don't work and still designate their nannies as pseudo-moms. I can't relate to these women. Why the fuck did you decide to have children if you didn't even want to see them? I'm sure that I'll get a lot of shit on this comment, but I stand by it wholeheartedly! I'm all for a women's right to work outside the home and to focus on her own professional growth, but not when it comes to forsaking the well being of her own children. I wont even discuss those women with full time nannies who don't work.
There are the 'haves' who stay home full time and make their children the be-all / end-all of their worlds. We all know those women... the ones who while pushing their children out of their vagina also lost the capability of discussing ANY topic NOT related to their children. You know what I mean: In an attempt to get them to talk about something non-child related you ask them if they've read any good books lately. The response: "Goodnight Moon is my favorite!" Their entire identity is defined by motherhood. Again, I attempt to refrain from judgement, but I just have a hard time understanding how this could make anyone happy.
Perhaps it's my cynical side emerging, but where the hell are all the normal moms around here? If anyone can point me in the right direction it would be greatly appreciated. I like to think that I'm not that abnormal, but I'm beginning to wonder!? I've searched Meetup for some cool mom groups and quickly came to the conclusion that Boston has a very unique 'Mom-club'. I found one group on Meetup that seemed pretty 'normal', so I requested to attend one of their Playgroups. Imagine my surprise when the 'moderator' wrote back and said, "Our playgroup is full right now. When a spot does become available, we generally give it to someone we know. Good luck!" WTF??? Since when did joining a fucking playgroup become harder than rushing a sorority??
Wish me luck in finding my group of 'Haves'... if you have any ideas for me, you'll find me sitting at the bar enjoying a Martini with my much less complicated 'Have-Nots'.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Never expected to be writing about expecting (and parenting) without expectations!
No, I'm not currently expecting. But, I was expecting at one point and if my son starts sleeping through the night anytime soon, I may start to think about expecting again. I've told him that he must earn his 'sibling-privledges' back. (I'm not holding my breath, however. He's existed on this planet for nearly a year already and he has only made a couple of feeble attempts to spend the night in his own crib).Trying to navigate pregnancy and my first year of parenthood has been an incredibily difficult task for me. The sleep issues, the body image issues, the loss of freedom issues. The list of 'adjustments' could extend into next week if I wanted to go that far.
So, as I sit here thinking about Gabriel's quickly-approaching 1st birthday, I've realized what it's ALL about!! I've decided to share my insight and newly-found wisdom with all of you! I only wish that I had come to this conclusion a long time ago, as it likely would have saved me from much stress. But, as they say, better late than never!
It all comes down to this one 'simple' concept: Expecting (and Parenting) without Expectations. I've started this blog to share my own personal journey with all of you. This journey begins with the need to control all things in my life and (hopefully) ends with letting go of all of expectations.
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