Learning to embrace loss- what it means to have a child

When Gabe was a month old, I remember sitting outside talking to one of my girlfriends on the phone. She was a new Mamma too, but her little guy was around 7 months old, making her an expert in my inexperienced eyes. She said something in that conversation that has stuck with me since. (Which says a lot considering the fact that the first few months post-birth are all a blur to me. They seem more dream-like than reality!) She said:

"Having a child is really about loss."

I couldn't figure that one out for the life of me. How could my new addition, this wonderful new life, be about loss? I actually thought about that for a long time, trying to figure out what she meant. I must have tucked that thought in the archives of all the advice I was receiving.

In a week, Gabe will be turning 1... and I finally GET it.

Having a child is about learning to embrace loss. My first understanding of this concept came when Gabe was about six months old and we were getting ready for a move up the East Coast. As I sat in his room packing up his things, I began to cry. I was on the floor and I was separating his clothes into piles. I picked up a onesie that was once swimming on him and could have easily doubled as a dress. I remembered back to when we first put this on him and I remember thinking, "This will never fit him. What was I thinking when I bought it?" Eventually, his little body grew and he fit nicely into the onesie. It didn't take long before it became more and more snug. (The dryer is really shrinking our clothes, I naively thought.) He wore this onesie for two months too long. Was it because he looked so cute in it? Was it because it was comfortable? Negative and negative. My tears quickly turned to cries, which then quickly turned to sobs. The onesie now became my handkerchief. I couldn't bring myself to put it in the 'too small' pile. I packed it with the other fitting onesies that would be making the trip with us.

You know how you feel after an irrational emotional breakdown? Like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders, and yet you can't figure out why the hell you were so emotional!? That's how I felt. I realized that I was having a hard time accepting the loss of my little baby. Of course he was still a baby in my eyes, but he was no longer that fragile little being that fit into that onesie. And that's what this was all about.

I've heard similar stories time and time again from fellow moms. One of my girlfriends writes about her 'emotional breakdown' when she was folding the crib sheets after transitioning her baby into a big-boy bed. Another girlfriend tells me about the pain she felt after taking her little guy for his first haircut.

While encouraging development and growth in our children, moms also have the unique experience of mourning the loss of our babies as they reach the many wonderful milestones of life. Outwardly we rejoice at the 'firsts', inwardly (whether knowingly or not at the time) we realize that this new first is just another step towards indepedence.

Take, for example, leaving your child with a babysitter or at a daycare. If you are anything like me, the moment you closed the car door you became so emotionally unstable that it probably wasn't safe to drive. I remember trying to see the road through my tears. Was the baby okay? Sure he was. In fact, two seconds after I left, he didn't even notice my absence. While crying my thoughts were: "What if he needs me?". The reality of the situation is that all of his needs were being met. It was ME that needed to adjust to the loss of being without my baby.

Children are amazingly resilient. Largely due to their innocence, and perhaps due to their lack of fear, they adapt well to most situations. It's Mamma that has the difficult time adapting.

My advice, although I'm a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do type girl, is to embrace the loss. Do not be afraid of letting go of the past and allowing your child to grow and thrive. Our world is much too focused on holding on. Nothing is forever and the permeable aspect of life is what makes it so sacred.