I could start at the very beginning, but that would make more sense than I am used to these days. Instead, I'm going to tell you what 'expectation' has been shattered this week. Where the hell are all of these women that I am supposed to be relating to??
Prior to joining this unique club called 'Motherhood', I was acutely aware of the two 'camps' of women: There were the 'haves' and the 'have nots' (children, that is!) Those of us who didn't have children spent our weeks working, hitting the gym, meeting out for drinks, traveling, and complaining about our husbands (or lack thereof). We secretly envied those women who had their shit together and were able to produce those adorable creatures we like to call babies.
On the flip side were those women who spent their weeks attending Play dates, making dinner, bathing babies, and looking forward to the weekends when they would take their lovely families to the Pond and out for ice cream. Those women secretly missed their single days - hating the sight of that cute skinny bitch wearing nothing but her yoga pants and sports bra in the produce section of the grocery store.
Womanhood was classified by these two groups alone. Pre-baby you were a 'have not' and Post-baby you were a 'have'. (Although arguments could be made that post-baby you are a 'have not', since you've lost just about every God-given freedom... but that's another blog for another day.)
Nothing will shake you up and force you to re-evaluate your position on things like a move halfway across the country and trying to make new friends. I had a solid group of girlfriends in Baltimore, mostly 'haves' with a few 'almost haves' and 'have nots' sprinkled in. It was that simple. Fast-forward to present day Boston. I thought it would be so easy here... everyone was like me, right? I would find my group of 'haves' and be on my merry way. I'd see my 'have not' girlfriends here and there for an occasional cup of coffee or wild night out, but I'd be secure in my 'have' tribe.
Shit, what an eyeopener!
Fulfilling my expectations, Boston IS filled with 'haves'. What totally blows me away, (and a great reason to let go of my expectations), are the five million sub-categories!
Let's start with the 'haves' who practice attachment parenting. I really respect, admire, and even follow many of the attachment parenting philosophies, so I thought I'd try to join an AP playgroup. I arrived at the 'meeting', fully equipped with my baby carrier and remembering to leave my formula at home. It took me less time to realize that I wouldn't be friends with the majority of these women than it did for me to pull my boob out. As much as I try not to be judgmental, I must agree with a good friend of mine when she stated the other day, "Girl, breastfeeding a five year old is child abuse. Shit, it's worse than child abuse". Cross this group off my list of places to find girlfriends.
There are the 'haves' who work more hours in a week than God and as a result designate their nannies as pseudo-moms. That also reminds me of the 'haves' who don't work and still designate their nannies as pseudo-moms. I can't relate to these women. Why the fuck did you decide to have children if you didn't even want to see them? I'm sure that I'll get a lot of shit on this comment, but I stand by it wholeheartedly! I'm all for a women's right to work outside the home and to focus on her own professional growth, but not when it comes to forsaking the well being of her own children. I wont even discuss those women with full time nannies who don't work.
There are the 'haves' who stay home full time and make their children the be-all / end-all of their worlds. We all know those women... the ones who while pushing their children out of their vagina also lost the capability of discussing ANY topic NOT related to their children. You know what I mean: In an attempt to get them to talk about something non-child related you ask them if they've read any good books lately. The response: "Goodnight Moon is my favorite!" Their entire identity is defined by motherhood. Again, I attempt to refrain from judgement, but I just have a hard time understanding how this could make anyone happy.
Perhaps it's my cynical side emerging, but where the hell are all the normal moms around here? If anyone can point me in the right direction it would be greatly appreciated. I like to think that I'm not that abnormal, but I'm beginning to wonder!? I've searched Meetup for some cool mom groups and quickly came to the conclusion that Boston has a very unique 'Mom-club'. I found one group on Meetup that seemed pretty 'normal', so I requested to attend one of their Playgroups. Imagine my surprise when the 'moderator' wrote back and said, "Our playgroup is full right now. When a spot does become available, we generally give it to someone we know. Good luck!" WTF??? Since when did joining a fucking playgroup become harder than rushing a sorority??
Wish me luck in finding my group of 'Haves'... if you have any ideas for me, you'll find me sitting at the bar enjoying a Martini with my much less complicated 'Have-Nots'.
So um, sorry, I feel like I'm always sending you suggestions, but you always post interesting questions...In my neighborhood in Denver, we have an email group made up of moms from northwest Denver, started by a few women who I think felt similar to what you describe. After 5 years or so, we have about 1200 members - crazy! It's huge, but there are subgroups you can join (all open to anyone - can't believe your experience!) - one for each half year (we're in 2nd half of 2007) and many for various interests like business owners, green mamas, hiking, gardening, food and wine lovers, etc. The subgroups by age have weekly playgroups and/or outings. The others offer great discussions and support and some gatherings. I don't know how you find a group like this, but in our neighborhood people spread the word to any new mom or pregnant person. Okay, the reason I'm explaining all this is because I always thought if/when we move to a new city, I'd have to start a group like this if there wasn't one already. It is amazing to have everyone in one part of the city so connected by email and also the resulting friendships. So you could always just start approaching neighbors and try to start something like this. Okay, I'm done - sorry again for the unsolicited advice from very much non-expert me. Good luck and I like your blog!
ReplyDeleteWe are so much alike, I can't believe it! Why did you have to move!!? I am in love with this blog already, thank you for writing it! I agree with everything you wrote, it made me laugh, and remember my days as a "have not"—I totally saw that girl in the produce section yesterday, only she was wearing one of those "dresses" that most certainly would have been considerted a shirt at one point.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of "without expectations" that's something that I'm striving for, although between what you expect (of yourself, your baby, and the whole parenting experience) and what other people expect that you should expect (is he sleeping through the night, is he crawling, does he have teeth, is he walking... is he getting into a good college?) that's not always easy... Anyway, I can't wait to read more!
The normal moms are having trouble getting everyone out of house! ;)
ReplyDeleteI think some of the problem may be that the people in an attachment parenting group are likely to be the extremists, and the same with any other themed parenting group. I found out when my daughter was 6 months old or so that I was more or less doing attachment parenting. But I wasn't doing it as a doctrine, and I'm not very extreme about it. I'm kind of extreme about some things, but mostly I know where I'm weird and don't expect others to be that way.
The long-running playgroup that I have was formed because we all played D&D. I think interests outside of parenting are probably the best way to find groups... though finding one you really mesh with can still be tough. Then again, when children get old enough that playgroups are more about finding friends for them and less about you, that changes the game entirely.
I can't keep up at all. :)
I totally get it - this area is HARD to meet NORMAL moms. Who said that it would be easy to make friends once you had kids.....I live in the area if you ever want to have normal conversation, not revolving around poop and bedtime rituals!
ReplyDeleteI think you're in Newton... check out the Newton Hip Mama Meetup groups - they're free, and I have found that most of the Moms are really nice and about as normal as one can be when you haven't washed your hair in three days and you're running on 4 hours of sleep.
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