To work or not to work? Deciding prior to birth is a wasted expectation!

I just got home from one of my three jobs. Yes, that's right... I have three jobs. Why, you ask? Well, because I'm one of those 'never-quite-satisfied' people and one job just wasn't enough. It's like the early stages of dating, prior to finding your perfect mate. You date several guys with several flaws and over drinks with the girls you admit, "God, I just wish I could take certain aspects of each guy and put them all together! Mike is great in bed, but a lousy conversationalist. John is an amazing artist and is really smart, but has the social skills of a 7 year old. Dave is a great athlete and is hilarious, but is terrible with his finances. Why can't I find a guy who has ALL of these great qualities?" Well, that's how I feel about working. I can't seem to find that one job that 'has it all'. One of my jobs is with a large teaching hospital. I certainly am challenged by the job and the people that I work with are really intelligent and driven. However, being inside the same large building day in and day out would irritate me. My second job is monetarily lucrative and allows me much autonomy, but I'm working with a rather difficult patient population. So, instead of settling (which happens much too often in both relationships and careers), I figure I can have my cake and eat it too!

So far... so good.

I am very fortunate to have found a career and a work/life balance that has worked well for myself and my family. I wish that I could say the same for some of my friends, many of whom struggle daily with finding the right combination of both. It's certainly a challenge that nearly every mom that I know has faced.

For ease of simplicity, I categorize my 'Working Mom Friends' into two categories:

A) Mamma's who work for the love of their career. These moms find great joy in maintaining their sense of 'self' that they had prior to baby. They love what they do and I've often heard them say, "I'm a better mom because I work". They aren't forced to work due to finances, but rather have decided to continue their career path that they took so long to build. These moms are both lucky and rare.

B) Mamma's who don't really love their jobs, but are financially obligated to continue getting up everyday and helping to 'bring home the bacon'. If given the choice, these moms would happily discontinue working and stay at home with the babes. These moms are usually (and I emphasize usually) quite discontent with their current situations. They are often trying to find other ways to maintain financial stability and yet still stay home.

I realize that this is very simplistic and there are other categories and subcategories of working Mammas. However, most of my girlfriends would fit nicely into one of these two groups.

If I could offer just ONE piece of advice to those friends of mine who do not yet have children it would be:

Don't make the decision about whether you will return to work or not until your child has arrived.

Now, I can already hear the "Yeah, but...." comments coming through my computer. "Yeah, but I have to let my work know what I am doing." or "Yeah, but I don't really have a choice. I have to go back to work." or "Yeah, but I know that I am going to stay home for at least a year."

Listen to me and listen to me carefully: You have no idea what you are going to want to do until your little bundle has arrived. Life prior to children is much different than life post-baby. Everything changes, right down to the core of YOU.

My husband and I had decided to try our best to set ourselves up financially so that I didn't have to return to work for at least a year. I just 'knew' in my heart that I wanted to stay home with my baby. So, we sacrificed and saved just enough so that this would be possible.

Guess what I was doing on Gabe's 8 week birthday!? Driving as fast as I could down Route 83 towards the hospital where I worked. I was ecstatic to get a coffee on the way into work and I was even more thrilled to be working with a sick patient population. As insane as that might sound to some of you, working was just what I needed to make me feel 'normal' again.

My story is a bit more unique than the opposite scenario that I hear quite often. I have so many friends who are hell-bent on getting back to work as soon as their 12 week maternity leave is over. They are convinced that they will be 'ready' and that the baby will be old enough to leave comfortably. (I remember, prior to having a baby, thinking how 'old' a 3 month-old baby was.) Staying home for three months seems so long, until you are faced with the Sunday before returning to work, and you are a literal mess. You have more anxiety than you did before starting your job for the first time. This is where I've seen many girlfriends come as close to a mental breakdown as I have ever seen.

So, what can you do prior to becoming pregnant and then in the days leading up to having the baby?

1. Set yourself up financially so that you are able to stay home for up to a year. This may seem like a lofty goal on top of your piles of mortgage bills, student loans, and new baby expenses. I realize that. However, if possible, skip that Starbucks run today. Tell your friend that you simply can't make her Hawaiian wedding. Do everything you can to save prior to the birth of the baby. It will be worth it.

2. Plan to take a three month maternity leave, but don't just 'quit' your job prior to having the baby. You may quickly realize, as I did, that your job is your only chance as maintaining sanity. There is less guilt in leaving your baby to go to work than there is in leaving your baby to go shopping or out with the girls. You may find that you are one of those woman who IS a better mom when you are working.

3. Begin exploring options for part-time employment. Talk to your boss about working a 4 day work week. I would suggest talking to your employer about working from home, but I've seen many a girlfriend try this unsuccessfully. As much of a multi-tasker as you are, it's nearly impossible to get work done with a baby in the home. The basic advice here is to explore your options of part-time work.

Whatever you do, don't make any 'decisions' about what you will do with your career prior to the birth of your miracle. While you may think you know what is best, there is no way to accurately predict how you will feel once your child has arrived.