My husband and I went on a 'date' last night for the first time in three months. In fact, it was only the fourth time we've gone out together, sans baby, in an entire year! Had someone told me (prior to becoming a mom) that I'd go on four dates a year, I would have laughed. "Rubbish", I'd exclaim! "We will have a weekly date night. Come rain or shine, we will be out eating, drinking, and dancing the night away!" Expectation #69: SHATTERED
Dating after having a baby is a whole unique experience. I'm still not entirely convinced that it's worth the effort that goes into it. All four of our 'dates' have basically gone the same way, so I will just sum up the important points for you.
The first step in the process is securing your babysitter. I'm pretty certain that getting into Harvard is much easier than finding a good babysitter, so this step could take a while. Be patient. (Oh, and by the way, don't hire that woman from Craigslist who claimed to have great references. She told me to 'drop-dead' when I explained that we weren't the right fit.) Sorry, I digress. So, once you find your babysitter, you must book her a month in advance. After all, she's making more money that you are. SHE calls the shots. Okay, sitter booked. What's next?
The week prior to the date, spend hours on the Internet trying to find something fun to do. Since you are completely out of touch with the 'going-out' scene, everything should look appealing. Pick something fun to do, but take into account the drive time to and from the venue. God knows you will probably get called to come home because your baby wont stop screaming. Make reservations for dinner. Get laughed at when you ask for a table for 2 at 5:00 pm. "Lady, you don't need reservations at 5:00. However, you will be glad to know that you will be arriving in time for our early bird specials."
The day of the date has arrived. You are nervous and jittery all day and can't figure out why. This is the day of reckoning. One of three things will happen on this day. (And I swear that all three have happened to us!) #1. Your baby, who never gets sick, will happen to fall ill with the worst illness he has ever had. #2. Your babysitter will cancel on you because her Grandmother unexpectedly came into town. OR #3. God will decide that he has been holding way too much precipitation up in the sky, so he lets it out all at once. This, of course, causes power outages and way too much stress.
If you've made it this far and all three of these things has NOT happened, luck is on your side and you may actually make it out the door. You secretly take turns getting 'ready', trying to disguise the fact that you are going out from the baby. Opening your closet, you suddenly realize just how many going-out clothes you have, even if they all are a bit snug in the ass.
The sitter arrives, you sit down with her to go over the book you have written that includes all the emergency contacts, directions to the hospital, and what side the baby prefers to sleep on. Once you feel that she really understands your directions, you give the baby a kiss and rush out the door, ignoring the peas that were smeared on your pants. Maybe no one will notice.
You arrive just in time for your 5 pm dinner reservations. The only other people there are elderly or other new parents. The menu looks better than any other menu you have seen before, likely due to the facts that a) You don't have to cook it and b) You haven't been to a restaurant in 3 months. You order a drink, some apps, and the night has begun! You stare lovingly into your husbands eyes, barely recognizing the man across the table. You haven't looked at him in ages. He's handsome.
Then... the drinks arrive. Two sips into your Martini you suddenly realize you are buzzed. You also suddenly realize that your phone has been on silent. You quickly turn it on, thankful you haven't missed a call, and place it right next to the fork on the table. The conversation so far has been entirely focused around the baby. Despite strong efforts on both parts to talk about anything else, the topic seems to consistently drift back to the baby.
By the time dinner arrives you have finished your Martini and your buzz has progressed to a full out drunken state. You decide that you had better rush home to check on the baby. You contemplate the idea of leaving your husband at the table, telling him you have to use the bathroom, while secretly rushing home. Thankfully, you still have SOME sense. Besides, your too tired for the trouble. Instead, you rush your husband through his meal. You miss the baby so much and the only place you want to be is home.
You arrive home to find the babysitter fully engrossed in The Hills. After brief chatter about what an asshole Spencer is, you dare to ask about the night. "It was fine", she states. "What do you mean fine?" you skeptically ask. "Well, we played for a while. Then we read some books. He fell asleep in my arms and I put him in the crib. He hasn't made a peep since." You thank her and pay quadruple what you used to make as a babysitter and she's on her way.
Was the date a success?? Absolutely!! A successful date post-baby is characterized by three key factors:
1. You made it out the door.
2. You didn't fall asleep at the dinner table (or on the way home, for the driver at least).
3. The baby is alive (and sleeping!)
And the grand finale, you ask?! Um, no thanks. We'd both rather just go to sleep!
Dating after having a baby is a whole unique experience. I'm still not entirely convinced that it's worth the effort that goes into it. All four of our 'dates' have basically gone the same way, so I will just sum up the important points for you.
The first step in the process is securing your babysitter. I'm pretty certain that getting into Harvard is much easier than finding a good babysitter, so this step could take a while. Be patient. (Oh, and by the way, don't hire that woman from Craigslist who claimed to have great references. She told me to 'drop-dead' when I explained that we weren't the right fit.) Sorry, I digress. So, once you find your babysitter, you must book her a month in advance. After all, she's making more money that you are. SHE calls the shots. Okay, sitter booked. What's next?
The week prior to the date, spend hours on the Internet trying to find something fun to do. Since you are completely out of touch with the 'going-out' scene, everything should look appealing. Pick something fun to do, but take into account the drive time to and from the venue. God knows you will probably get called to come home because your baby wont stop screaming. Make reservations for dinner. Get laughed at when you ask for a table for 2 at 5:00 pm. "Lady, you don't need reservations at 5:00. However, you will be glad to know that you will be arriving in time for our early bird specials."
The day of the date has arrived. You are nervous and jittery all day and can't figure out why. This is the day of reckoning. One of three things will happen on this day. (And I swear that all three have happened to us!) #1. Your baby, who never gets sick, will happen to fall ill with the worst illness he has ever had. #2. Your babysitter will cancel on you because her Grandmother unexpectedly came into town. OR #3. God will decide that he has been holding way too much precipitation up in the sky, so he lets it out all at once. This, of course, causes power outages and way too much stress.
If you've made it this far and all three of these things has NOT happened, luck is on your side and you may actually make it out the door. You secretly take turns getting 'ready', trying to disguise the fact that you are going out from the baby. Opening your closet, you suddenly realize just how many going-out clothes you have, even if they all are a bit snug in the ass.
The sitter arrives, you sit down with her to go over the book you have written that includes all the emergency contacts, directions to the hospital, and what side the baby prefers to sleep on. Once you feel that she really understands your directions, you give the baby a kiss and rush out the door, ignoring the peas that were smeared on your pants. Maybe no one will notice.
You arrive just in time for your 5 pm dinner reservations. The only other people there are elderly or other new parents. The menu looks better than any other menu you have seen before, likely due to the facts that a) You don't have to cook it and b) You haven't been to a restaurant in 3 months. You order a drink, some apps, and the night has begun! You stare lovingly into your husbands eyes, barely recognizing the man across the table. You haven't looked at him in ages. He's handsome.
Then... the drinks arrive. Two sips into your Martini you suddenly realize you are buzzed. You also suddenly realize that your phone has been on silent. You quickly turn it on, thankful you haven't missed a call, and place it right next to the fork on the table. The conversation so far has been entirely focused around the baby. Despite strong efforts on both parts to talk about anything else, the topic seems to consistently drift back to the baby.
By the time dinner arrives you have finished your Martini and your buzz has progressed to a full out drunken state. You decide that you had better rush home to check on the baby. You contemplate the idea of leaving your husband at the table, telling him you have to use the bathroom, while secretly rushing home. Thankfully, you still have SOME sense. Besides, your too tired for the trouble. Instead, you rush your husband through his meal. You miss the baby so much and the only place you want to be is home.
You arrive home to find the babysitter fully engrossed in The Hills. After brief chatter about what an asshole Spencer is, you dare to ask about the night. "It was fine", she states. "What do you mean fine?" you skeptically ask. "Well, we played for a while. Then we read some books. He fell asleep in my arms and I put him in the crib. He hasn't made a peep since." You thank her and pay quadruple what you used to make as a babysitter and she's on her way.
Was the date a success?? Absolutely!! A successful date post-baby is characterized by three key factors:
1. You made it out the door.
2. You didn't fall asleep at the dinner table (or on the way home, for the driver at least).
3. The baby is alive (and sleeping!)
And the grand finale, you ask?! Um, no thanks. We'd both rather just go to sleep!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this blog - it makes me laugh every time, knowing that I'm not the only one going through all this. This post couldn't be more dead on. Some of my fav points: the book with "which side the baby likes to sleep on" (I've written it), the 5pm dinner reservation, and the inquiry as to how the night went, "what do you mean 'fine?'"—having to know every single detail... with all of the energy you spent wondering—with the phone right next to your dinner plate—SOMETHING must have gone slightly awry. And the of course the main point that you only get to go out 4 times a year... if you're lucky.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the laugh! I can totally relate! My daughter is 8 months old and I can count the number of "dates" my husband and I have had on one hand...and I don't think we've had one yet where at least one of us wasn't insanely exhausted or sick. I remember feeling the same way...looking across the table and thinking wow I haven't actually looked at my husband in ages. And of course, try as we might all we could do was talk about our daughter!
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