Do I stay or do I go now?

... If I go there might be trouble. If I stay there will be double. Do I stay or do I go now?

To all unknowing eyes, I'm living the dream. I have an amazing home in the Vermont countryside. I drink my coffee in the morning on the deck as I listen to the sounds of the birds singing and the river gracefully flowing by. I kiss my gorgeous husband and adorable babies goodbye and I head off to a job that is well paying. In fact, so well paying that it affords us the luxury of a one-parent working household. I work in the fulfilling healthcare industry, taking care of those who are dependent on me. I come home each night to dinner made by my adorable husband. I drink wine on the same deck that I drank my coffee on earlier that day. We are not rich, by any means, but we get by... comfortably.

Sounds pretty amazing, right? So what's the problem?

Someone once told me that I am never happy. That I'm always looking for the next best thing. I took massive issue with that statement years ago. Fortunately, or unfortunately, age has caused me to grow wiser. Maybe she was right?

I miss my kids. Yes, these annoying little creatures who wake me up all night. The same beings who pluck my last nerve and cause me to wonder what in the hell I was thinking when getting knocked up. The same little people who have given me bags under my eyes and constant stress in my heart. The exact human beings who are so needy that the sound of getting in a car alone and driving non-stop for 30 hours sounds appealing. I miss those little fuckers. (Don't fault me for saying that, you know it's meant in the most endearing way possible! You have little fuckers too... and you know it!)

I just read back to one of my posts in which I was racing down the road to get to work when Gabe was 8 weeks old. I don't know if it's maturity or just experiencing the 'other side' of working full time, but I have had a total change of heart. I don't care about the vacations, the cars, the house. I want to experience the everyday. The daily nuances of life. I want to clean the bathroom, and make dinners... and grocery lists... oh how I miss grocery lists!

So, the question is: Do I continue working in a job where I am not entirely happy or do we sell our home and buy something much smaller so that I can stay home?

Do I stay or do I go now?

To be continued...........................................................