The year of letting go continues today, as I join yet another "club" that I wasn't even aware existed. I dropped my first-born baby off at school today for the very first time. Now I realize that for most families, this probably isn't an enormous feat. For the Vandy Clan, it was huge. Combining creativity with sacrifices has afforded us the luxury of not only avoiding daycare, but babysitters in general. I can count on two hands the number of times that our little man has been without at least one of his parents. Today, we left him for four whole hours. Laugh if you may, but it was a big deal for us.
I want to make the point that I don't think there is anything wrong with daycare. I'm certain that many bright, well-adjusted, social people were recipients of great child care outside the home. I'm also fully aware that there are families that choose daycare out of necessity. There are certainly days when I'm sure that my children would be better off with someone else leading the way! Give me a day without coffee and I guarantee that my children would do well in daycare. I digress.
The drop off was not what I expected. My confident, chatty, playful little man was supposed to calmly wave goodbye when I left. After all, he had been talking about going to school for days now. He excitedly woke up early to start his day. His new backpack ready to go and lunch packed, he was pulling me out the door. How did I get from that moment to the current one?The one where I was making a beeline for the door as his teacher gave me what I'm sure what supposed to be a reassuring look? The look actually was reassuring. My son being held by another woman while he kicked and screamed and called my name... not so much.
Arriving at work teary eyed and slightly nauseous, I explained to my colleagues the emotional torture chamber that I had just experienced. Their reply? "It's good for him." I took that in. "It's good for him." I've heard that before.
"You let your child sleep with you? Oh, it's good for him to learn to sleep alone."
"You haven't been out with your husband in a year? It's good for your child to learn to be with other people."
"You don't send your child to daycare? It's good for him to be socialized with other kids early on."
"Your child is sick? It's good for him to be building immunity now. If not, he'll just be sick when he goes to kindergarten."
For a brief moment I told myself that maybe it actually was good for him. Maybe it's time for me to push him outside of his comfort zone and to leave him in the loving hands of another person? Maybe it WAS good for him to be with other children and away from his sister for while?
It didn't take long for my inner voice, my true intuition, to speak louder that the outside opinions and voices that filled my ears. I've always walked my own path and this moment wasn't going to be any different. If it didn't feel right, it probably wasn't.
Something hit me. As mother's, we often tell ourselves lies. In order to alleviate our guilt for decisions that we make, we sometimes justify those decisions with lies. Is my child really better off going to preschool? Honestly, I don't think so. I didn't go to preschool and I'm pretty sure I turned out fine. The truth is, I think that he IS better off with a stay-at-home Mama who does great activities she finds on Pinterest... all while the roast is slow cooking in the oven. I think he is better off exploring with his Dad and learning how to grow his own vegetables or build a doghouse... or something. I honestly think that if he was truly ready to go to school, he wouldn't be so upset.
The truth is... sending our children to school suits our lifestyle. We don't really have a financial choice to have a parent stay home forever, so we need to prepare our kids for the what the future holds. But, why the need to justify it? Why try to pretend that it is good for him when I really don't feel that way?
Mom's are amazing. We do the best that we can possibly do for our children, and when we can't do exactly what we'd like to, we lie to ourselves. The truth is simply to hard to bear. There isn't anything wrong with this. It's our survival mechanism.
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